RECOVERY CAN KEEP YOU SICK
I spent 22 years in recovery
It helped me stop using drugs
It gave me community, structure and a completely different life
I’m grateful for much of it
But there was an idea underneath almost everything I learned
I would always be an addict
I could recover, grow, stay clean for decades
I could build a family, a career and a meaningful life
But I could never actually be free of addiction
At best, I could manage it, One day at a time!!
Keep doing the work, and don’t become complacent
Remember what you are, because the disease is patient!
It’s waiting for you… doing press ups
And here’s the question that eventually became impossible for me to ignore
What if I actually changed?
Not learned to manage myself better
Not became better at resisting urges
Not accumulated more clean time
What if the organisation of experience that once made drugs so important to me genuinely changed?
because it did, I am not an addict, and I am free, cured of addiction fully and have been for 10 years now, even though I have been clean almost 32 years, I still was in addiction for the first 22!
Was my recovery framework capable of recognising that? no!
it (meaning people)reinterpreted my freedom as dangerous complacency! it is installed into newcomers!, people who leave, die!
That’s where I think recovery itself can become a trap
Not because meetings are bad
Not because abstinence is bad
Not because ongoing support is bad
But because an explanation that once saved your life can become an identity you are never permitted to outgrow
Imagine being told after 30 years of profound change
You’re still what you were
You just manage it successfully…
And if you question that?!?
That might itself be evidence that your disease is talking
Notice the problem
The identity becomes almost impossible to escape
Accept it → you’re recovering
Question it → you’re in denial
Remain abstinent → recovery is working
Use again → proof you were never free
Where is the door out?
I don’t think everyone needs to leave recovery
I don’t think everyone should drink or use drugs again
I don’t think everyone should abandon an identity that gives their life meaning, connection and safety
I’m asking something much simpler
Are we allowed to get well? like really?
Not according to a programme
According to the person actually living the life
Maybe recovery should ultimately make itself unnecessary
Maybe the greatest outcome isn’t becoming exceptionally good at being “in recovery”
it’s reaching a point where your life is no longer organised around addiction at all
Not fighting it, managing it, not proving you’ve defeated it
Just living!!
Recovery isn’t supposed to become your life!
it’s supposed to give your life back!