Are you really just ‘HOLDING SPACE’ ??

We use the phrase ‘holding space’ constantly. It sounds selfless, therapeutic, and profound.

But when we ask the hardest question: Are you actually holding space, or are you secretly using the client’s struggle to manage your own trauma?.. then what?

The Lie of the Empty Container

The theoretical ideal of ‘holding space’ suggests you are an empty, non-reactive container – a source of unconditional presence into which the client can safely pour their chaos.

This is a lie – You are not empty…

You are a human being whose nervous system is constantly humming with its own unhealed material, fear, and need for control.

When the client brings their chaos, you don’t hold it, you react to it.

The professional’s system says – This is too much, I need a protocol, I need a label, I need to guide this back into safety.

That impulse based on your ‘level’ of connection to yourself – the need to intervene, fix, or diagnose – is not therapy. It is your trauma-driven system reacting to the threat of the client’s uncontrollable pain.

Shifting the Chaos
In that moment of reaction, you are not holding the space, you are shifting the energetic weight.

You make the client responsible for settling your system:
– You intervene with a question to feel in control.
– You assign homework to create certainty.
– You silently judge their slow progress to justify your expertise.

The client is subconsciously picking up on the reality that you are not safe enough to simply be with their trauma. They sense your effort, your anxiety, and your need for the outcome to align with your professional identity.

The result is that the client starts managing your system by editing their story, limiting their chaos, and performing compliance. The space is no longer safe; it is transactional.

The True Act of Holding

You cannot authentically hold the client’s chaos until you are absolutely comfortable with your own.

The true act of holding space is the terrifying, simple act of staying present – with your own sinking heart, your own racing mind, and your own impulse to flee – without ever using the client to fix or quiet your internal state.

The work is not about managing their experience. It is about managing your own relentless need to intervene.

The only space worth holding is the one inside you that is finally, simply, honest.

In reality we are all somewhere on this scale from not at all to all the time, only knowing this will help you in your willingness to do your own work, healing is not about your credentials but about your own personal journey towards yourself.

Get the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1068323302